Prima Facie

Victory hangs doubtful.

2009-03-14T16:42:00.000-07:00

Science, pff! What's science ever done for us?!

2009-03-14T16:41:00.000-07:00

Tiny Spot of Colour.

要甚麼？

2009-03-14T16:39:00.000-07:00

"強國論壇"

2009-03-14T16:33:00.000-07:00

"強國論壇"

倪安瑞

"強國論壇"是中國的電子系統佈告欄。電子系統佈告欄（縮寫BBS惑論壇制度）是一種軟件，BBS允許用戶使用終端程序通過電話數據機撥號或者網絡來進行連接，執行上傳下載數據或程序、閱讀新聞、與其它用戶交換消息等功能。許多BBS由站長（通常被稱為論壇管理員，SYSOP（SYStem OPerator））業餘維護，而另一些則提供收費服務。早期Telnet式的BBS系統在中國大陸、台灣等地一詞通常是專指人們交流的平臺，論壇的形式越來越複雜。
“"強國論壇"”創建於去年5月9日，是人民日報網絡版在互聯網上設立的論壇。開辦一周年後，註冊用戶已近三萬，頁面訪問量每天十萬，穩居全球中文論壇之首；"強國論壇"是中國傳統媒體的第一個網上論壇，"強國論壇"通過自己的努力成為聯結海內外中國人思想感情的紐帶。
"強國論壇"充分利用互聯網的交互性，圍繞諸多重大事件和熱點問題，邀集一百多位專家在網上與網民討論交流，及時宣傳國家有關政策，真實反映民情民意，成為政府與群眾之間溝通的網上橋樑。2008年6月20日，中共中央總書記胡錦濤訪問"強國論壇"。根據2008閔大洪寫的報到，胡錦濤於6月20日上午到人民日報社考察工作之際專門來到人民的論壇，通過《"強國論壇"》同網友在線交流。胡錦濤說：“網友們提出的一些建議、意見，我們是非常關注的。我們強調以人為本、執政為民，因此做事情、做決策，都需要廣泛聽取人民群眾的意見，集中人民群眾的智慧。通過互聯網來了解民情、匯聚民智，也是一個重要的渠道”。在此之前，中華人民共和國外交部前部長李肇星等人也曾與網民進行過交流。現代"強國論壇"是是人民網的網絡論壇。"強國論壇"有各種不同的用途：它可以凝聚民族精神，發揚愛國主義，反應民意民聲。“只有先加強我們自己的經濟、國防實力和民族凝聚力，才能使我們的祖國強大起來。”基於這種共識，6月19日起這一刻論壇正式更名為“"強國論壇"”。年內，一大批各級黨政領導幹部以各種方式與網民對話，其中包括政治局委員、廣東省委書記汪洋和廣東省省長黃華華於2月3日通過奧一網發布《致廣東網民朋友的一封信》，邀網民“灌水”“拍磚”，4月17日上午又邀請26位網民進行面談；政治局委員、上海市委書記俞正聲於11月6日通過東方網與網民在線交流。
中國的電子系統佈告欄現象很有意思。某些特殊時期，中國的許多電子系統佈告欄會不約而同的出現大面積限制訪問現象，通常公布的理由為跟人民表示政府的意圖。例如，2005年3月，中國政府召開兩會前夕，電子系統佈告欄同時宣布進入處於最佳國家狀態。"強國論壇"是人民網的網絡論壇，其前身是“強烈抗議北約暴行電子系統佈告欄論壇”。
根據中國互聯網絡信息中心（ CNNIC ）最新報告顯示，2007年年底，中國有超過兩百萬個互聯網用戶。中國註冊論壇用戶已經達到三千萬; 78％的中文網站正在運行用戶自己的論壇。總數論壇系統每天頁面瀏覽篇已經達到了十六萬，每天有數以一百萬的新貼。據iResearch Consulting Group的2007年報道，大約有33.3%的中國網民在論壇網站每天使用為1–3小時。大約44.7%的中國網民在論壇網站每天使用3–8小時。甚至15.1%中國的網民在論壇的網站上每天花費超過8小時。在中國超過60%的網民每周至少訪問三個網站，每個網站訪問三次。根據報道，用戶使用論壇最主要的原因是找到問題的答案。98%的用戶已經使用BBS是為了發表文章，回復話題，宣傳自己的想法，發布轉讓求購信息以及參加話題討論。因為中國網絡的用戶認為找到的信息是第一手的，是經常更新的，所以用戶傾向是相信論壇的網站。。因為中國網絡的社區環境很舒服，所以用戶傾向是相信論壇的網站。報道表示，64.5%的用戶曾經參加一些論壇管理員或用戶組織做出正確社會的弊病和好玩兒活動。超過80%的用戶使用論壇的網站是為了尋找計劃購買產品信息的。61.7%的用戶要先問其他論壇用戶的意見，然後才購買。有時論壇的作用是電子商務中心；17.3%的用戶在論壇的網站購物過了。一般來說，論壇用戶比不用論壇的網民更加成熟。論壇用戶的年齡平常在20–40歲，受過良好教育，以及有各種專業背景。論壇已經開始遇到一些與美國的電子系統佈告欄論壇系統的類似問題：垃圾郵件和色情網站。但中國的電子系統佈告欄跟美國的電子系統佈告欄的差別很多。中國的電子系統佈告欄比其他的國家更發達。中國互聯網很大的部分是論壇。

Российская Федерация (Pushkin & St. Pete)

2008-07-30T05:21:00.000-07:00

Why wings you ask?

2008-07-30T05:00:00.000-07:00

The point of angels is not to come whisper into your ear and make you happy. Most of the time that angels arrived it was a terrifying experience. And how many times out of each of the instances in the Bible when an angel appeared was something good about to happen? Usually terrible, or at the very least, terrifying occurences were/are often soon to follow.

Good Old Az (the outskirts).

2008-07-30T04:59:00.000-07:00

情況

2008-07-30T04:57:00.000-07:00

Mujere

2008-07-30T04:56:00.000-07:00

Ἀχιλλεύς

2008-07-30T04:52:00.000-07:00

Statues

2008-07-30T04:49:00.001-07:00

F.E.A.R.

2008-07-30T04:48:00.001-07:00

安心上路

2008-07-30T04:43:00.001-07:00

Omni Corp.

2008-04-09T17:49:00.001-07:00

Bboying...is bittersweet.

2008-04-09T17:31:00.000-07:00

Of frienships...

2008-02-18T10:56:00.000-08:00

The horrible and hilarious things that we commit upon one another has lead to much conviction on my part. We disproportionately "burned (verbally that is)" one friend for two years straight and were just recently touched by its effects enough to stop (he is fortunately a good enough sport). Another targeted out of hatred because he didn't value himself enough to stand up to and against his oppressors. What are funnier still are the hideous things that have pledged never to do one another. I am hardly the most confident nor cocky of my compeers. I laugh (some cross breed of a giggle-chuckle really) at the thought of my own funeral. It s nearly as if my funeral will be my last time to show off in public. Best come thee hither. "Of course, I am an ass, but still...you are another. Though all my friends they are _______, yet they are all honest, and though we do talk a lot of trash, and I do, too, yet we shall talk our way to the truth at last, for we are on the right path. Though I've been calling them all sorts of names first now, I do respect them all. Though I don't respect ____, I like him for he is a puppy. But enough, its all said and forgiven. Is it forgiven? Well then lets go on." Apocaly a La Itkelele.

美國人的海

2008-02-15T21:57:00.000-08:00

我還是住在狹窄的公寓的學生。一般來說美國城市居民和美國學生住在很狹窄的公寓。在亞利桑那州裡的天氣非常腦熱所以栽培鮮花好不容易。只有錢或有業餘人具備養鮮花的條件。大部分人不可開闢渠道小空間為了在庭院培值花木。
在我看來美國人一般來說不太觀賞鮮花或盆栽的花。講究了約會時用鮮花作禮物的年輕人送給情侶。美國鮮花市場和市面的潛力和消費是人把花為了禮物給送愛人。一束真紅色或白色玫瑰又漂亮又貴。玫瑰具有很舒適和高雅的情調。
因為中國詩人的影响我最喜歡的花卉是菊花。他們的傳統是插菊花為了增添時壽。人們明顯地都知道不同的花木有不同的用處。有的鮮花卉中看不中用，有的花木用的藥用價值。在我看來花木大都有一點兒俗雅，但是覺得花木不是我的趣味。我覺得物理比校有用。別人不同我的看法。他們的觀念是人們應該買一束鮮花在涼台擺一瓶增添室內的情調。
在我住的城市找鮮花很貴也不容易。美國城市鮮花市場授了節日的影响。近年代在街上找得到小攤子或鮮花店很難。若是沒有節日或約會美國城市鮮花消費跟中國的有好處。在我看來中國人傳統歷史比校觀賞和培植花木。大多美國人的庭院不講究環憶鮮花。在世界上一般來說同花具有很好象徵和增添高雅的情況。

As for my Bible: Queries.

2008-02-15T21:54:00.000-08:00

I also feel horribly restless. Not just here mind you, but in life. No matter my progression, my work, or what I am doing, it is not/never enough. My life is not yet forfeit. I am a bulb burning brightly (burning quickly) and without true knowledge of what it means to be "content." As to the questions that form my discontent "one must simply fight with shadows…in making ones’ defense.” Impiety to whom, for I have sought no outside sanction. Man was granted the capacity and penchant for rationality and choice prior to his consumption of the fruit of the tree of knowledge. Thus, the assertion that the the tree of knowledge was added as a segway to lend man choice seems unfounded. Were there no capacity for choice, we would not have been told not to eat. Choice for man is independent of knowledge of the distinction between good and evil. Why should man have not been allowed to eat from the tree of knowledge, why should he be denied knowledge and cast into ignorance? Evil existed despite man's ignorance. In a sense, man was left defenseless, man's mind being his sole weapon. Man is born without tooth, nail, and claw. Though there exists symbiotic relationships in nature, most value there is seized by force. To seize by force is not the natural countenance of man, but through creation, domestication, organization––not of man, but of his surroundings. I don't understand creation simply through nature, but our having touched it. Not through photos, but through skyscrapers, fibers, chemical materials. . . through our shaping of the earth. If man wants food, he must hunt, and create weapons to do so, motors to move quickly. Man inherits nothing by right, but has had its use granted to him. The Creator//creator creates for himself and the vitality of contributing to His//his own utility. Man, the wheel, fire, processors where not made for the use of future generations but for and by their architects. Was the tree of knowledge placed in due purpose for the designed failure of man––to separate us from God? If so, why the need to reunite man with God? Why separate man from God in the first, unless man was ultimately designed for such a trial separation? Man always had a choice with or without the tree? He made the choice to sin did he not? He could have sinned without the tree, without Eve. Man always had the propensity for temptation, and for evil. Was man born knowing that he would fail? Are we the true state of man, as God intended? Man was not "perfect" even in the Garden with God. Even in this state, man had been born flawed. Flawed by his void (discerned by God), and his magnitude to choose evil (despite his ignorance of "evil"). This leads to the notion that some of man would in turn nearly designed to fail (by prior knowledge that not all would choose unity with God), but only if you refuse to acknowledge their capacity for choice. By this token, God has done the most loving thing that he could with man, allow him his choice by regarding his volitional consciousness with esteem.

Sin is like meta-clorians in your blood stream.

2008-02-13T21:53:00.000-08:00

I have an obsession with graffiti––making it that is. I have done it for years and never told anyone.

Also...

I know that if you die I'll attain and destroy that book, just as you requested; but I still have urges to read it.

Love is forged, earned, and fought for.

2007-11-13T15:03:00.000-08:00

profligates

2007-11-12T15:58:00.000-08:00

I am trying to write a paper right now, but I am find myself too much distracted, uninspired by the subject matter, and blinded by hatred for its characters.

I bought a new rapidograph pen...

2007-11-12T15:12:00.001-08:00

西安，我想妳。

2007-11-12T13:06:00.000-08:00

New York

2007-11-12T12:36:00.000-08:00

I just dropped (複雜的人情／女一點兒的以前的女朋友) someone off at the airport. She's on the way to New York, a place I have admittedly never really been (though I have seen the skyline from one of its airports). I must admit; I'm jealous. I was even more jealous last night when at 22:30 on a Saturday night, some friends and I were having trouble even finding a restaurant still serving anything more than olives and a bowl of peanuts. Still more when I received a text from her as she was headed home around five in the morning East coast time, three hours after everything in Az had closed or stopped serving food (six hours for the latter). One can only binge on so much Waffle House and Carl's Junior in a late night four year period at the University. What's worse still is that I didn't even know any better until I left Az for the first time.

yo

2007-11-12T12:29:00.000-08:00

I love my family so much. The reason that I never told my parents anything is that I know that they would care so much, and try to their utmost to help me. Their compassion is my deterrent.

對不起

2007-11-10T18:33:00.001-08:00

Though so much is caught under the guise of that word love. Love sans dissimulation is difficult at best; and I apologize for those who sought/seek your affinities under less veritable guises.
This is my countenance as the tea poured forth from the boiling samovar. It is humorous that the three of us have shared and refused so much of the same... Seriously--Stop following me. This is not a path that many of your ranks have been prepared, nor burdened to take. Today I found out that I am just like my mother mum. We were talking about my ex, when she revealed some intrepid shrift to me. She told me that she used to think just the way that I do now. In her youth she never wanted to date, never wanted to be married, never wanted to get too grounded. Perhaps what I feel now is a derivative of what she felt. Does that in turn mean that I am hereditarily destined for where she is now? The fits of depression, the intuition, the ability to commute pain, the sheer potential made use of... Until it happened, she never made the effort to set apart time for these things. The prospect of me giving in, sacrificing my principles, and getting married is a frightening and still wholly undesireable potential. I shall not oscillate from my efforts. I worry of(or) the condition of my mother, who so far from departing the earth must continue to bear so much suffering. I have the greatest sympathy for her and feel the greatest frustration at my inability to remedy the ...of her condition. She was struck once again with affliction. These...are much too life like, much too close... Nothing, none of this holds meaning. No thought or state of happiness on earth can make me or her in the least degree less susceptible to death. Everything is of equal unimportance in comparison with eternity. I weary of this morose, tired air. I tire of the women around me almost as much as I have tired of their male companions. I tire of humanity as my affiliation wanes. I, so severe on myself, as I have been on that opposite sex. Why am I so ....... set apart? Where as those like myself? Why do I hate and love so much? An absolute monarch, or a child who smothers a bird in his hand for the pleasure of proving that other creatures are weaker than himself? I am an outsider who is burdened with care for others nonetheless. I shall die and know all, or else, at the very least cease to question. The mere thought of death holds deliverance for me––deliverance from (solitude with) my thoughts/ contemplations.
Between the discovery of my having not been home in two years, and realizing that some of you have no right to mourn my death... I must constantly try myself. I am not a child in statu de pupillari. I need to harvest a calm disregard for such affinities. It is only a matter of time... For all of my rainment to be stained red. To seek dominion over all of the earth. To be crushed under wrath, and to feel my life’s blood soak the earth. Best come thee hither, before I raise this life to the ground. Apocaly a La Itkelele. These oscillations are not to be forgiven, nor allowed, but commuted towards utility. What is there for her to be so merry about? What are her thoughts? Certainly not about the.... What then is she thinking about? And why is she so happy? Such questions involuntarily arise in our world. Why this careless, yet happy existence? When we see one another our lives go on invariably as before, with the same inclinations and dissipations. I have seen that I have been destined to be overwhelmed by the vested interests of others, and that they were set on reconciling me with my life. Though even Solomon felt such despair, I have incredible potential and everything to live for. Do you remember the conversation with the Britons? Life is priceless and talk is cheap. While I, on the contrary, remain utterly dissatisfied. but perhaps all these colleagues of mine are just like myself, and have been struggling and seeking to find some new and original path through life; and, like myself, have by sheer force of circumstances, by the conditions of society and birth––that elemental force against which man is powerless––been brought to the same condition as myself. I no longer, as formerly, suffer from the intense fits of depression, moments of despair, and but that same affliction, which formerly had been made manifest by the occasional attacks had struck inward, and not for a moment ceased its insidious working. For what end? Why? For what purpose were created in this world? Certainly not simply to remedy the mistake of sin/voliton... In perplexity, I ask myself many times every day, in spite of myself beginning to reason out some explanation of life; but as I know by experience that such questions as these remain unanswerable, I will strive to put them out of my mind.. This whole universal falsehood, acknowledged by everyone, amazes me every time I think of it, just as if I was not used to it, as if it was some new thing. I understand this falsehood and confusion, but how can I convince others of what I understand? I have made the experiment and have always found that they, in the depths of their hearts, understand it just as I do; but they do not strive to see it. Of course it must be so. I am undergoing the experience of many people who have not only the faculty of seeing and realizing the possibility of goodness and right, but seeing too clearly the falsity and deception of life too feel able to take any serious part in it.

Cinncinatus barred from his farms by my ambitions.

2007-11-10T18:23:00.000-08:00

知音

2007-11-10T18:21:00.000-08:00

I am certain that, by the dalliance of truth, I have committed to you, and thus to our relationship, an irreparable harm. Though I know not to what extent, nor full manner, I am quite concerned. So disparaging that you yourself could not deign to tell, nor touch, me. Apologies are worthless without tangible or emotional praxis. Do you know how happy I was when you told me that you were getting attached, when you hugged me in that all encompassing manner, when you kissed me with vigorous passions? Our conversations that day have been some of my most joyous. Small gifts such as fashioning every hand on my wall, your sitting in my lap, or putting your arms around my neck mean as much, sometimes more than your . Regardless of what any of my friend's convictions may praytell, I care for you with complete abandon. I furthermore sense without a doubt that you care for me intensely, and in a fashion that stands involuntarily (one that cannot be switched into oblivion). I know these things, and no matter what titles and planes remain unfulfilled, that these distinctions stand on their own merits. I know that you have chosen me and that I have chosen you by the pure prudence and volition of our own wills, and that none other than ourselves may cheapen or seek define it. What do they know they of us that we have not hashed out and ourselves superseded? What you are to me, only I may define, and I hope that you may likewise feel your distinction. You have quite demonstrated the quality of your caliber.

Ｉ mess with Texas.

2007-11-10T18:11:00.000-08:00

Language is an approximate/heuristic lending a flexibility to the term that you would scarcely understand until it has rested its thorny crown amongst your tender breast. Despite out turmoils, it seems that everyone else walks and rests unplagued by such reasonings. It seems that they have settled into happiness, or attained that which we desire. In all things, I prefer to believe that most people are either convicted as we are, or have discovered some manner of solution (the other answer is ignorance). With what I have written above, I am not promoting waiting for love to waltz up and grab my hand. I work to attain those those affinities that I desire. Just as one lends value to the dollar through work, I have attribute value to those very relationships that seek to define me, in accord to the hardships that I face to attain it. When I find those person(s) their touch will mean that much more to me.

No longer shall I listen to your babel (here is some of mine). There is a whining in my head that: races through the veins in the wall, disturbs me in my bed, etches words in my brain, burns images into my retinas, caresses my consciousness, reduces my anima, whispers into my ears, carries our conversation, reverberates within the cavities, tethers us to the ether, writhes throughout the nebula, is the myth of a dream, echoes under our hats, shines forth from the fixtures, comprises the airwaves, compromises my sleep. Do you ever hear the electricity run through the walls? Rarely, when I lay my head to sleep at night. When the flood gates for thought pour open and the pressures of daily life are balanced. That small calm before I sleep is when I hear technology. Quai mundi plaga? Why can't I sleep?

I want a pet AT-AT walker.

2007-11-10T18:02:00.000-08:00

I am a bulb burning brightly and without true knowledge of what it means to be content. I think that I am finally figuring things out. Metabolizing the adipose tissues. I discerned my problem and a way to resolve it. 21.38/39.17 Not only do I concur with my condition, I hold it laughable, and with great pride and admiration. It is you who should envy me. I have seen and comprehended the various universal human means of our necessities and our actions and found little appeasement in them. I have some considerable calibers left to fulfill, and not yet one has to risen to the standard.

A––T

2007-11-10T17:53:00.000-08:00

Even at its lowest and most esoteric I find him glorious. It is they who envy us.

I have just woken up from that sleep that seizes you after you not held it for eight days; and due this new awakening I am in one of those ethereal moods in which one resides after being in such a position. I am contemplating my role in the rising of the sun––all of creation. I am having a conversation you cannot hear. I never really know how badly it is affecting me until I wake up from it all afterwards. I know its mal-intent, yet am powerless to combat it. I have a feeling that I am in "for some type of terrible fall." But I honestly don't know what kind. My love of knowledge is insatiable. I just need to hold on to my values and follow my thoughts through to the end. In the mean time, I need a change of pace. Something faster, far more arduous. I often wish that something terrible and overarching to happen to me in order to spur me along, to spur intelligence and certainty of self. I am not sure, an accident, a death, a war or such. Selfishly as all hell, I wouldn't seek to accrue any personal senility, decrepitude; but rather a change of circumstance. Leaving here...wouldn't be the same after...but I am doing it anyway. Its beautiful as hell out there; it really is. Would you come with me? The patterns of the mind. Lots of circles, I am wondering where I fit. Stop the circles . . . but I couldn't imagine doing that to them at the moment, especially given my mother's condition. I kept picturing them not knowing what to do with all of my things and all. Notebooks, suicide, death, discerning, deciding what is and is not meaningful as well as the intent behind a particular course of action. The catcher in the rye. We never fully discussed it, but it seems as if this is a position much more applicable to you, my brothers. Each who is more compassionate than I. I can hardly see myself endearing myself to children. Scott is our Holden in the flesh no less. You, our Valentine. "One is a hard working saviour, and the is a hard working soldier."

我想妳

2007-11-10T17:40:00.000-08:00

怎麼樣？謝謝妳跟我寫信。我很想妳。妳說對，我的家乡是美丽的但是也很熱。我真的不喜歡亞利桑那的天气。冬天的天气措。冬天很涼快。我也沒有一個照相机。我這個和下個禮拜有學期中間的考試。我上個星期有物理考試，中問考試。我下個星期有法律和數學的考試。妳有沒有中間考試嗎？我自己和跟朋友都念書很多。我們平常去咖啡店。我想中國。在亞利桑那商店一般來說關門很早。不比北京在亞利桑那十點晚上一後差不多不會著的到很好吃。我們也沒有 K T V. Arizona 還好，還可以。我們連比別的美國城池都有很好的網路架構。沒有北京de，紐約的，但是有很奇怪的文花。我買了一張手機卡。我想打電話給妳。可以嗎？告訴我一個好的時候／妳有空的時候。北京的時間。我喜歡妳很開心。

我非常想妳，想去看妳。妳的生日怎麼樣？很開心嗎？妳的學習怎麼樣？妳應該發給我英文的段信. 我會幫住妳。妳的英文怎麼樣？如過妳有甚麼問題就問我。我下個兩個星期有兩個很鄭重的考試。一個是物理的，別的是法律的考試。我現在念書很忙。我下個夏天到中國回去。也有一個男的朋友想跟我來路行。如果我賺的錢夠了我馬上回去。我在北京的時候肯定去探望妳。我要買了另一的手機卡，打算打電話給妳。我還記好妳的生音，還想要聽妳的話。
我們的冬天沒有下雪。因為我們的冬天跟妳的春天一樣所以不必穿很多衣服。我覺得妳穿很多衣服還很可愛，妳很美麗／錦繡。我現在穿的衣服跟我在北京穿的衣服一樣—很舒服。下雪以後請發給我有的北京冬天的照片，也妳穿冬天的衣服的照片。可以嗎？祝賀妳新的成人了。我的歲比妳兩年大。我思念妳。我們將來肯定再見面。

中國

2007-11-10T17:30:00.000-08:00

I apologize for the late reply. Ｉ spent three days in Xi-An (北京晚火车往西, 西安，历史博物馆，碑林，清真寺，住东方, 西安，兵马俑，大雁塔，唐代艺术馆，住东方, 阳陵). We spent about a week in Lhasa, Tibet (西安火车往西藏拉萨: 西藏拉萨，晚抵入住假日酒店, 布达拉宫，大昭寺，住拉萨, 拉萨，街，寺，宫，住拉萨). We traveled from Lhasa to Zhongdian/Shangri-La (拉萨飞中甸: 香格里拉) to see the most picturesque sets of earth that I have ever laid eyes on. Next we went to Lijiang (丽江: 古镇方街，玉衫坪). This is the place to buy land in China. Li Jiang is clean with a nice balance of modern and old. I also traveled to Da Li (洱海: 少数民族村，大理). After Da Li we took a train to Kunming (大理火车往昆明: 昆明，龙门，滇池，住昆明, 石林，金殿，玉石厂，住昆明). Kunming was our last stop before Hong Kong (昆明飞香港，入住). At this point we turned in our final papers, were done with the program, and on our own (自由活动). I spent three days in Hong Kong, then went to Taiwan to visit friends for a week. After Taiwan I went to Thailand to visit another friend for another week before I returned to the States (回美). Ｉmiss Asia so much. I didn't actually realize how used that I had gotten to the culture.

I haven't let go of my dream of being a old school ghetto samurai.

2007-11-10T16:56:00.000-08:00

I felt bad when I drew this.

2007-11-10T16:40:00.001-08:00

Apologia

2007-11-10T16:34:00.000-08:00

Those who believe death to be an evil are certainly mistaken. Wherever a man has taken a position he believes to be best, or has been placed there by his circumstance, there he must then remain and face danger, without a thought for death or anything else, rather than disgrace. No man at all should take into account the risk of life and death; he should look to this only in his actions, whether what he does is of principle…Achilles and Thetis, "Let me die at once, when I have given the wrongdoer his just deserts, rather than remain here, a laughingstock by the curved ships, a burden upon the earth."

"That there is good hope that death is a blessing: Either the dead are nothing, and have no perception of anything. A change of location and a transfer to that other hemisphere. If the former, and death is a complete lack of perception, then death should prove to be a great advantage, for all eternity would seem to be nothing more than a single, uninterrupted, night. A good man cannot be harmed in either life nor in death." Socrates

問題

2007-11-10T16:14:00.000-08:00

2007-11-10T15:51:00.000-08:00

When you use an interface long enough (like a cell phone) you soon fail to even notice it.

I have a friend who a year ago was just like the rest of us: he was a virgin, had just met his first girlfriend, no real relationship experience, in college. Now he is graduating in a month, working full-time, married, with a kid on the way, and ...

Truthfully, it scares the hell out of me.

Good Morning Beautiful

2007-11-10T15:50:00.000-08:00

With an exegetical exactitude and a comfortable intellect I can accomplish what I will with even a meager portion of time. Thailand is bittersweet. That incessantly consistent cycle induced by chemical imbalance, I dare not call it depression (I don't feel depressed at all) as is the crutch of the 12% of male American society, has reared itself again and I find myself not wanting any interaction with even a single soul near me. I have works to produce. Strengthen self-sufficiency, even self-dependency sounds to be a horrifying and atrocious moniker. Looking directly at people, and nonetheless through them. To render the illiterate and irrational bulk of mankind irrelevant to the brink of non-existence in my prescience, all towards the aim of protecting and promoting my faculties. And to raise the awareness of those set persons regardless... Why I despise the being that persists primarily for the sake of wealth, a continued genealogy, a legacy, a love of family (the height of co-dependency if you will), and not for that meaning and validity that I find so intangible is thus far beyond my true ability to provide words capable of comprehensive exegesis. To achieve much as I have so determined and expire quickly, this drive has permeated my every thought, praxis, and being. With that said, part of me came here ready and willing to ascertain quietus, only to find that to my dismay that possibility as sparse as in any other country. That other hemisphere, and at the standard of entry has further eluded me. There is no where in all of this earth, no soil to tread to deliver me and to yield me comfort.

(The pooch is David Choe's idea.)

造成

2007-11-10T15:33:00.000-08:00

I feel remarkably content at the moment––creative even. Sometimes, I have trouble clearing my mind, (tabula rosa), before I start drawing––limiting the external influences of the others. At the moment, ideas are rushing forth and in a manner that I have not the skill or time to divest to them. I love school, I love skating, I love battling, ,,,,. these are all forms of creation. though I don't want children I can reckon that this the good in raising a child must feel like this.

P.S. I know that if you die I'll attain and destroy that book, just as you requested; but I still have urges to read it. Just letting you know.

Better handle now.

2007-11-10T15:25:00.000-08:00

I just spent 40 minutes yelling with Thai cops in Chinese because it is as effective as speaking English. Not a word of comprehensible English could be understood by them and they had the nerve to ask me for a passport! It was in my hotel safe, two minutes away! Of course, I am not going to be carrying it around in my pocket. I showed the Hotel name card w/ address and phone number, sparking nary a light in their helmeted domes. They couldn't understand the most simple, " in my hotel," much less give me a reason as to why they were in prescience in the first place. Then they let me bully them about and rant at them about embassies and military bases (I only had my military id) until they finally let me go. And they wanted to search my person! Never have I publically disrespected so many foreign police officers (bike cops no less) so lividly, with such disdain, nor in so many languages. They even had the cajones to half-assedly apologize to me, and truly meant it to account for something. Then afterwards someone explained that they thought something was wrong, and "its okay you are foreign, they didn't know." They didn't know what? Or the , "if you didn't do anything wrong you should go with them." Hell No. Next time that bastard is traveling alone he can have two (eventually four) unprovoked third rate cops try to manhandle his backpack , motioning downtown while speaking to him in an incomprehensibly, not knowing what they hell they really want and go somewhere with them. After enough people came around the cops arrested some guy nearby and went away (poor bastard); and of course, a political discussion proceeded. And the gov. blocked youtube because someone put up a video about the government. Sounding a little familiar... (Alice?)

Afterwards, I met some cool people, some bboys (breakdancers) and some cool guitar players on the streets. We had a grand old time. The style in every country is a little different. Good times.

Officially ready to go somewhere other than Bangkok

2007-11-10T15:21:00.000-08:00

I am traveling by myself again. It is totally relaxing to be--for all intents, purposes, and circumstances-- completely alone in the world. It elucidates who I am truly am. Sucks not having my computer, nothing but this invective pen pilfered from the Marco Polo Prince in Hong Kong. No convictions about that shameless act since they charged me 1,376 HKD (or $172 greenbacks) for four six minute phone calls and one hour of internet, all to keep me from being stranded in HK for ten freakin days while some of my new-found cohorts all head home.

On the bright side, Roby bought me a kicka** pair of Adidas in HK that are totally out of my grasp until we get back to the states.

Here in Thailand, it seems that almost everyone has an agenda, turning a simple, "where are you from?" into anything from buy a suit to a proposition for coitus.

Today alone I have met:
....An Israeli who refers to himself as "King" David, and has a self-professed penchant for what he called "ladyboys" (one of six distinct terms he used in our 30 second supermarket aisle conversation) and from five separate S.E. Asian countries.
....Shifty cabbies offering at all times of day to take me to places certain to be after my kidneys and chastity (kindly reverse the order).
....A rather nice Thai student of English who mistakenly left her Thai-English electronic dictionary with me.
....Many persons who simply (from my naivety) want to know where I am from (Am I such a spectacle in all of Asia?).
....a fuwuyuanr (Alice, I know that you are probably thinking any number of things right now. I almost didn't put it in here.)
....a few disreputable characters, some generally nice and sincere folk, and everyone in between.
....I just a few hours previous, witnessed a at first seemingly unsuspecting man from Holland return the shameless propositions of a Thai prostitute that I was dead certain was once a man---all in the span of seven minutes. In Starbucks no less, right next to the table that I was busy trying to maintain a semblance of studying.

Also, the enter button on this PC turbowin keyboard is obnoxiously large and bothering me, further contrasting the half-sized backspace button that is far too close to the insert key.

"The American"

2007-11-10T15:15:00.000-08:00

I was just being jokingly pompous. The same who be sure that you would recognize the awesomeness of some random number to be representative of me. In reality, Fyodor Tolstoy (I only know this because my roommate is quickly becoming Russia) was Leo Tolstoy's (War and Peace) infamous cousin. Old Fyodor was quite simply one of the coolest cats around, in any day or age. Nicknamed, "The American, " Fyodor Tolstoy--or so Lev Tolstoy thought--was an "extraordinary, criminal, and attractive man." Of course, he had been a great duelist who once came close to a duel with the great poet Pushkin who he thought had calumniated him (with the backdrop of a card game no less, they were notorious gamblers.) Tolstoy ended up exiled to the Aleutian islands for a bit, dueled a man on the boat meant to carry him to exile. While in banished he carried an iron pole for five years, every once in a while throwing it high into the air then retrieving it in order to strengthen his dueling arm (Pushkin and Tolstoy later became friends) The man fought some 13 duels in his lifetime, including his commanding officer whom he had previously disobeyed and embarrassed in front of his unit. On top of dueling, Fyodor was a generally lively fellow. A common exploit of the young nobles of his age was to wager to drink a whole bottle of rum without pause while sitting outside an outer window ledge over a lethal drop. Pushkin himself once bet that he drink a bottle of rum straight down without losing consciousness, and was considered to have won in the end--otherwise paralyzed-- when he managed to wiggle the little finger on his left hand. As a side note, Pushkin was Katherine the Great's favored. She ever built a palace for him with a park adjoining her palace in the city that she named for him, Pushkin(, where I lived and taught for a spell). There was also some business with Fyodor deserting his unit to be one of the first Russians to ride in a hot air balloon, which in turn resulted in the duel with his commanding officer. You can find a more daring rendition in Russian Life magazine. That his name has absolutely nothing to do with me is irrelevant. "The American" as Chris G. would say, "was a solid bada**."

That aside, likely being far more than you wanted to know, you found me the first time, but never said hello? Did you read any of the journal at the time? And of course, I remember you. You were one of those persons that I recognized often without having the proper circumstance to come to know you. I kind of thought that you didn't really want to talk to me. I am a shy soul who thinks too much you know, often styming necessary thought or action.

P.S. I prefer to think of skating in this day and age as a study break.

a tout a l'heure

2007-11-10T15:14:00.000-08:00

I suck at keeping in touch. Most of you know that. I am going to school on Beijing for two months. I apologize to the people that I missed, or failed to meet with. I love you guys anyway; and I will see you soon enough.

toodles...

我也追一個好得很的小姐. 她那麼天美,也很聰名.

我跟我的感覺單獨和它們駕馭我精神病/發狂我認試一個覺懂的人

Yankee 女兒

2007-11-10T15:09:00.000-08:00

What the **** happened?

As to the nature of my pride: haven't you found it rather justified? How would you yourself react in such a situation? IF these things I had done to you, how long would you risk yourself to persist? Given your nature how would you fair? Needless to say, I am both done an undone, but quite polished off, discharged, and finished.

Did it ever occur to you that would hurt him? Who knew? Where you naively caught off your guard, or was it a deliberate act in which you where unwilling to sensibly cope with the outcome. Furthermore, don't attempt to discuss with them afterwards how great a time you had on the trip without them. That you'll oft allow my kisses followed with full passions and reciprocations one moment but uncandidly turn a cold heart the next. That you'll grasp my arm in an effort to prevent my leaving one instant, then berate me take my leave the next. That you would commit my dignities to beggary. Enough of your callousness. If I segregated you from every world that I gave a damn about. If I unjustifiably feared and t******* without having ever met or heard much of them. Albeit distant they may be, I . Notwithstanding that you have offered me no commitment apart from your doxy, these things I have not done, and I have given wide berth to such praxis as means to showing you forethought and esteem. Right thought, right actions: if those were but brief convictions that you were capable of .

Who of us is the most vainglorious? I have come recently into realizing that my complacency as of recent has become copiously more than ruse/canard.
Apologies don't mean much over praxis, and your praxis doesn't mean ****. I know you well enough to know you never . (Why) do you think so lowly of me that you'll just turn your nose up in the air, that you can't bring yourself to either acknowledge nor tell me the truth? After all that we have talked about, including this very subject, why can't you just candidly reveal the truth, though the entirety of that notion may be lost on your dim ears. You are not protecting me, or my feelings. You're wasting my time, and nurturing disdain/distrust. Expect me not to feel so endeared towards you; you should, instead, expect quite the opposite. Don't remorse when involuntarily I think little of the whole endeavor, and have discounted all of your previously awarded affections. No longer shall I listen to your babel. I know that I am marked by hubris, and have previously offended you much. I detest that you think so little of my character, that having nothing to do with what we have done. What burns more is that I found out from a fourth party. Perhaps then return to the moment when I never felt such accolade for you, rather than arrant contempt.

**** all of the above.

You rat bastard. You complete and utter rat bastard. You *****son beyond all reason. You are never to speak to me. You are never to touch me. You are never to approach me. You don't even go after me. You wait one person, then go after me. I have never in all reckoning harbored such scathing hatred for any single individual.

FIN

憂鬱症

2007-11-10T15:01:00.000-08:00

At the moment, I am none too happy. I have always argued with, and as to, the validity, nature, and motive of...life. This life, my life, this perceived purpose. The problem is that, for me, this struggle is wholly involuntarily; yet no one else seems to have to deal with it. No matter how diligently I attempt to put them away, these arguments run their indefinite courses through the annexes of my cavities. I am a figure who thinks too much, and much too deeply, often to the maw of suicide. My intellect seems to me to be a space occupied by many unexpected, and often unwanted visitors. Nonetheless, I am far too proud of my condition. I believe that God uses our freedom of choice for His aims despite us. While I, on the contrary, remain utterly dissatisfied; but perhaps all these colleagues of mine are just like myself, and have been struggling and seeking to find some new and original path through life; and, like myself, have by sheer force of circumstances, by the conditions of society and birth––that elemental force against which man is powerless––been brought to the same condition as myself. I no longer, as formerly, suffer from the intense fits of depression, moments of despair, and but that same affliction, which formerly had been made manifest by the occasional attacks had struck inward, and not for a moment ceased its insidious working. For what end? Why? For what purpose were created in this world? Certainly not simply to remedy the mistake of sin/voliton... In perplexity, I ask myself many times every day, in spite of myself beginning to reason out some explanation of life; but as I know by experience that such questions as these remain unanswerable, I will strive to put them out of my mind.. This whole universal falsehood, acknowledged by everyone, amazes me every time I think of it, just as if I was not used to it, as if it was some new thing. I understand this falsehood and confusion, but how can I convince others of what I understand? I have made the experiment and have always found that they, in the depths of their hearts, understand it just as I do; but they do not strive to see it. Of course it must be so. I am undergoing the experience of many people who have not only the faculty of seeing and realizing the possibility of goodness and right, but seeing too clearly the falsity and deception of life too feel able to take any serious part in it. Nonetheless, I am far too proud of my condition. Some nights I wake up with the flood gates of my thoughts pouring open for all my intellect to peruse and contemplate. Another night I woke up with my bayonet already gripped and harrowingly sawing a very specific dread. This morning of all mornings I have suddenly been struck, with first the urge and constitution to use that very tool as a means to escape the tedium; second, to simply leave in order to ascertain. This involuntary, irrational, non-tacit taciturn ambition begat in 96 and I fear its effects. Every hour lately I feel more inclined, closer to the cusp of that deliverance than ever since before. Why so little surface level change? Why is it getting worse? Why is no one else rooted in this? Though through the late night idle talk, any soul could have seen its genesis. I only care about its effects on six people...albeit I see them sparingly, my love for them and their continued well being in constitution are the reason I persist. As for you others, I am not truly inclined to care in the slightest. If able I would be out of here tomorrow. I suppose that that is the reason that there is no point in telling you. The first peeve is that you would attempt to console, persuade, or remedy something in which your inclination to comprehend is improbable. The second is wondering what you could do as even your genesis. I have seen that I have been destined to be overwhelmed by the vested interests of others, and that they are set on reconciling me with my life. The next to worst component is that it all seems involuntary for both involved parties. There is no overarching reason as to why... So little for now. .. The manner of this deliverance waxes and wanes just as anything else (tides). I am doing well on the outside, none the less, beneath this thinning surface, I am a mess. I rather consider scarcity to be the root of all evil. And it is suffering that I consider unnatural. Seems as though I am down to my same old circles. Lots of circles; stop the circles. To love and to let love be known according to a purpose. Romans:8 Though I have been called according to a purpose I don't know if or how I fit into God's circles. The day of death is better than the day of birth. The end being better than the beginning.... Of walking this crooked road; and of running this crooked path. Quietus is simply deliverance at the completion of my set. My hands invincible now rage about the spear-shaft, and wrath ha risen within me, and both my feet are swift beneath me; and my keen prayer is to mingle instantly in woeful war. To defeat my enemies, to sit/collaspe into my seat, and peacefully succumb to the dearth of my wounds. I'll speak with you once more before the end.

Sweet Dreams...Time for Physics.

Suspirium puellarum Lanier americae, mansueta tene.

2007-11-10T14:39:00.001-08:00

I just finished all of my mid-terms; so I've started drawing again. Mainly stuff to cover the barren walls of our apartment. Though I've not seen my roommate in two weeks, he is still exhibiting signs of existence. Stuff moves daily...kinda. Sometimes I think its the gnomes changing things just enough to make me wonder if they ever really moved at all. I suppose that I am equally to blame for my half of the absence. In other news I have been waking up in random places surrounded by my studies, when I firmly remember passing out in my bed. I also fell asleep in a random place...in my car, headed south on the I-10. That was quite a bit harrowing but lady luck cashed my chips for me. And finally, I am working on my thesis, applying for grad schools, and planning a study abroad in Taiwan.

加由 !

我也追一個好得很的小姐. 她那麼天美,也很聰名.

中看不中用

2007-11-10T14:33:00.000-08:00

現在我怎麼做了我們已經買了飛機票了花了一千三百塊錢

我跟我的感覺單獨和它們駕馭我精神病/發狂我認試一個覺懂的人

Yea! 以前的女朋Ö

2007-11-10T14:23:00.000-08:00

我把她的愛還給她

03:46 "I don't know how to say this. Can you promise me one thing? ...that you won't kiss me, you won't massage me, you won't touch me... You make me melt, and its more than I can handle." Make you melt? How about through my use of words/rhetoric, rather than my hands? I promise that I will never touch you again, even though you are creeping back towards me. I feel convicted as to my own sense of integrity, and I don't know what to do. I feel this great apathy creeping up within me, and I can not let it happen again. I am burning these/those bridges behind me, and this is the last thing that I will say to you other than I love you. I don't want any women to simply settle for me; just as I refuse to settle for nothing now and date meaninglessly, but often. I hold on to those values because I know that I am going to bear that weight; and I am looking you in the eye for a reason. What does it mean to have nice hands anyway? I am tired of writing too her when I have very little formulated, too much to say, no way to convey it, and no space to save it. I hate this torment and all that I want is out, before I feel the pressure to give in and do away with me myself. Excuse my j'accuse speech; but "I have raised a dust, then complained that I cannot see." I was not born for such happiness. I'll remain true to my own sense of integrity.

I am pretty sure that I am bleeding internally so I am going to make this short. "Life is full of grief, to the exactly the degree that we allow ourselves to love other people." Never again will I love someone to that extent. Idest, I am not , nor will be complaisant. I have abandoned the ghost in the shell of my old/former machine (兩個意思 ). She does to me an irreparable harm. This is why I have removed her from my locals. I will not raise others until I am in a proper position myself. We each have histories in our families. Perhaps we are not as we previously perceived. Perhaps, despite our objections, we are somewhat bound, and defined by, our genetics. Who are we really? Have some of our outlooks and ideas been, to some extent, pre-determined? Are we destined to the coming oblivion of these fallacies? Have they already manifested themselves/ Are they already manifesting themselves? Had I been God, were I god, I would not have created Creation as we know it. None of you would exist in the slightest. The world would perhaps persist no more than a consideration or an afterthought. I, being perfect, would exist perfectly--within myself. I need not, nor seek your worship, your adulation, your sacrifice, nor your love. Maybe my selfish characteristics are the reasoning behind my desired self-sufficiency. Perhaps there is a pattern in the design that I am not so cognizant of. Say that man was created so that he may share God's blessing, so that he may know the bliss of God. I am not so giving. Had I just two pulsars, all would be right in the world. No doubt, they tested me, and I am a child of war. And I am the last remaining light. (現在 ) Pronounce my edict.

Apocaly a la itekelele, Tiffany.

2007-11-10T14:20:00.002-08:00

I am at the desk right now, so I figured that, out of my boredem (and admiration), I would write to you. I apologize (moderately, because I am not really all that sorry) for the duration and gratuitous fluffiness of this. Also, please be refrained from being unduly alarmed by any "you's" or "we's." In most instances, writing to a specific person was the easiest way to get a point across. Everything that I write is a heuristic. And yes, I do my math in pen.
Love sans dissimulation is at best difficult, and I apologize for those that seek your amenities under less veritable guises.
What I want in a relationship:
In the deepest, most depthful of relationships I am proud that you have chosen me to give you pleasure (not used in a wholly physical or selfish sense, but perhaps with genuine altruism for the other) and that it was you who had been my choice. Pas risque, pas plasir. We are no longer children in statu pupillari. It was not--as it is for most people--an act of casual indulgence and mutual contempt. It is the ultimate form of our admiration for each other, with full knowledge of the values by which we make our choice. We are those who do not leave our values to empty dreams, but bring them into existence, those who give material form to thoughts, and reality to values. This is how I want to further grow with you, to fully realize what we are capable of. You are my best friend and I want to get to know you better. I toy with the rhythms of words, and though I wander through the fugue of your voice; I am not lost. You know that I am wholly enamored with you and I know that you love me also.
To Refrain from Settling:
(I am) A peruser of apocalyptic literature who binds orthopraxis with orthodoxy. The (hu)man is a hypocrite who divorces his values from matter. Renounce the world (however you have defined it) and you surrender it to evil ("the man who marries one woman, but loves another; the man who believes in one cause, but devotes his support to another, this man is a hypocrite" Ayn Rand). I do not leave my values to empty dreams, but bring them into existence, give material form to thoughts, and reality to values. Affections stem from the mind and undue charity begets senility. I refuse to lead anyone any further than I would first travel myself. I would rather not date at all than enter into meaningless, or less than meaningful, relationships that neither I nor the other has chosen under the purity of our own volitions. I would also seek that comfort and devotion that leads us to act without contempt for our commitments.
I am not convicted that my reasonings are truly self-serving. I will settle for nothing now; and I'll settle for nothing later, just as I refuse to allow anyone settle for my amenities. It is I who has chosen this hardship post, and I know that I am going to bear this weight. Already, despair is a tiny white-hot ball/ sphere of frustration wrapped tight around my chest (trying to breathe, it is kinda hard with her hands around my throat). Despair is born only of hope, but it is difficult for people to live without hope, so much that they have no choice but to live with despair (but only so much as they aspire to hope). Language is an approximate/heuristic lending a flexibility to the term that you would scarcely understand until it has rested its thorny crown amongst your tender breast. Despite out turmoils, it seems that everyone else walks and rests unplagued by such reasonings. It seems that they have settled into happiness, or attained that which we desire. Pure hilarity that we "have raised a dust, then complain that we cannot see. (George Berkely?)"
You have written that you are tired of perpetually working for the future, rather than living passionately now. You are not alone in your desire. In all things, I prefer to believe that most people are either convicted as we are, or have discovered some manner of solution (the other answer is ignorance). With what I have written above, I am not promoting waiting for love to waltz up and grab my hand. I work to attain those those affinities that I desire. Just as one lends value to the dollar through work, I have attribute value to those very relationships that seek to define me, in accord to the hardships that I face to attain it. When I find those person(s) their touch will mean that much more to me.

Discerning love:
How does one recognize what is truly worthwhile in love and separate that from everything that is commonly caught under that word--love? How do you separate what is worthwhile from the yearning that dies when the senses fade and tire? I don’t know how to adequately culminate the glory and pleasure of years of existence. All of these things, you will recognize. Though I wander through the rythms and melodies of your voice, I am not lost. Love sans dissimulation is, at best, difficult. Though you have your close companions––your jeesh, you will never experience "true" love, never to be married, to feel the touch/ caress/ of the animus. Take the comfort in this, and remain resolute. Your end is near... You are going to bear that weight...

Faith that those lofty goals exist and are attainable:
After all of our time apart, are we fully convinced that the greatness of our relationship is reality? Two or more months we have been separated and all of this time I have felt as Odysseus must have felt. Now, most of all I seek to return home to your accepting ears, to hold you with open arms, and bask in the warmth of that one, loving, coaxing, smile upon your face. After our separate travels around the globe and extended solitaire stays at home, simply hearing the voice of the other has been a blessing. An indescribable term of pleasure and affection these simple words have been. Of any person I am sure that you understand. I still and will always love you in any Godly form caught under that word--love. For me you have been the first and the last that I will harbor such emotion for. What is it that you feel? What manner of reciprocation and/or appreciation will you hold for me?

And now on to matters of the mind: To settle down with a person beneath your capacity is to cut your motor and sentence yourself to decay. It is just as much as a sin to yoke yourself unequally to your desired one. I pray that God is using me in even some finite manner to help you progress spiritually. I rather often feel that I cannot keep up with your piety, and that my walk is too weak to sustain you. As far as I am concerned, your very existence, especially within my life, is an act and the will of God. I am convinced that you deserve so much more, so much better. I do not want to withhold you from what God has intended you for (just as I refuse to play the part that is not written for me). So, until you or God, informs me otherwise, I will struggle further to lift you to that highest pedestal. Thank you for everything, both on 'that' day and in the general routines of our lives.

It is difficult at best:
My body is a machine and my mind is its driver. The Father drives me. It is only as retaliation that force may be used, and only against the man who starts its use. No, I do not share his evil or sink to his concept of morality. I merely grant him his choice, destruction, the only destruction he had the right to choose: his own. He uses force to seize value; I use it only to destroy destruction. I seek no value by means of evil, nor do I surrender my value to evil.

How do you know:
How and why do two persons join together in marriage? How is compatibility determined? Can you alter your own? How does one recognize what is truly worthwhile in love and separate that from everything that is commonly caught under that word--love? How do you separate what is worthwhile form the yearning that dies when the senses fade and tire? What does dating and marriage add to your friendship, outside of the physical, when you are already close? What is the point of it all? Why is it done? What makes one deserving of the love of another? Why are some people doomed to a life of solitude? How many people die alone? Why do the die alone? What sets them apart in matters of the heart, mind, and body? How are the Jenny Garps of this world begought? What makes those people different? Why is the divorce rate 50% and rising? Why do I feel as if my choice has been stolen from me by hormonal, natural desire? Is it not possible for me to evict them? Is it even possible for us to feel anything? I have not cried in a while. I can't actually remember the last time that cried. I feel pain, but the tears won't come anymore. Am I that desensitized? Freedom...

I play around up here because I don't want to get too grounded. I don't want to become too dependent on those relationships. I don't want too lend those persons around me too much license to define me. I don't want those that I love most to have that affect either. I have heard that am I am created by others as they create me. A shell with a false soul, formed by the interaction with others, creating them as they create it, afraid that it will lose its identity when others leave it. I don't deny this, but neither do I surrender to it. I hardly mean that I don't love you all or lack some sense of obligation to humanity. I still feel compassion in the darkness of human suffering. I don't divorce my values from matter, nor do I surrender my values to evil. That man is a hypocrite. I marry orthodoxy with orthopraxis. I do not leave our values to empty dreams, but bring them into existence, give material form to thoughts, and reality to values. Affections stem from the mind. Undue charity begets senility. It is I who has chosen this hardship post. I am not convicted that my reasonings are truly self-serving. Language is an approximate lending a flexibility to the term that you would scarcely understand until it has rested its thorny crown amongst your tender breast. It explains shared convictions, experiences, and perceptions that we have accepted between one another. The same definitions apply when I tell you that the individuals that I abhor most are those that I love above all others. It is for your continued vigor and effectiveness and aspirations that I am willing to make the sacrifice that none other than myself has been lent the constitution to make. That necessary separation is the reason why I am determined to find a path, so that I may leave you all. I miss the rise and, I am not trying to see the fall.

Standards:
It seems that most in my city aim for moderation, to run as one within the nexus of that massed mean. to believe that you will become good by first doing no harm is a lie. It leads only to stagnation, to mediocrity. Their obstreperous neighbors seldom failed to pay them a hostile visit once or twice a year. Many hesitate to act when bastinadoed with extreme prejudice, while others react much too rashly. It is hard to know where on this spectrum am I, whilst knowing that our relationship, even were these events were to transpire, would never again harbour the same affections. With this on the forefront, I should not be effected. Each time you wept I feared the worst, that it meant something catastrophic was happening between us, an irreversible damage. Should I, instead, fear the damage unseen? For between us, those damages are gaining my favor. Despite my ignorance that such loss would bear within me ill will, I have been ill-effected. Such attachment and resultant dependency shall not transpire again. The truth is that I continue to love and harbor you all within my thoughts daily. I have simply chosen not to interact with you, nor your... I still need to understand that the value of the relationship is in accord to the work that one does to produce it.

How does one recognize what is truly worthwhile in love and separate that from everything that is commonly caught under that word--love? How do you separate what is worthwhile from the yearning that dies when the senses fade and tire? I don’t know. I don't know how to adequately culminate the glory and pleasure of these years of blessings and existence. All of these things, you will recognize. Though I wander through the rhythms and melodies of your voice, I am not lost. Love sans dissimulation is, at best, difficult. Though I have my close companions––my jeesh, I feel that I will never experience that "true" love, never to be married, to feel the touch/ caress/ of the animus. I am probably one of that five percent that is set apart. I take the comfort in this, and remain resolute. I know that I am going to bear that weight. "I stay busy Patiently, I wait. I see." I am certain that there is something so much better waiting for me, but until you, or God, informs me otherwise, I am going to lift you to that highest pedestal.

After all of our time apart, are we fully convinced that the greatness of our relationship is reality? Two or more months we have been separated and all of this time I have felt as Odysseus must have felt. Now, most of all I seek to return home to your accepting ears, to hold you with open arms, and bask in the warmth of that one, loving, coaxing, smile upon your face. After our separate travels around the globe and extended solitaire stays at home, simply hearing the voice of the other has been a blessing. An indescribable term of pleasure and affection these simple words have been. Of any person I am sure that you understand.

A requisite relationship still persists between us. So much lies in waiting beneath our surfaces. Our hands find one another when providence has allotted the occasion. You, with full comprehension, mind you, sat in my lap tonight, and I allowed you to. Furthermore, I instigated your advance and held you likewise, etc... In the deepest, most depthful of relationships I am proud that you have chosen me to give you pleasure and that it was you who had been my choice. Pas risque, pas plasir. We are no longer children in statu pupillari. It was not--as it is for most people--an act of casual indulgence and mutual contempt. It is the ultimate form of our admiration for each other, with full knowledge of the values by which we make our choice. Very little seems to have changed, so why are we not dating? Perhaps, that implication is the very answer that has thus far eluded me. These physical amenities and psuedo affections have transpired regularly since we divorced our values from one another. God, pray-tell in spite of all trepidation, I continue to love you so...Though those senses are beginning to wane and tire.

Everything worthwhile has been clearly defined for you... No longer shall I listen to your babel, words of affirmation fit only to be written on winds and coursing waters. I fear that you will commit me to an irreparable harm. My own constitution is so much improved. I no longer feel the need, the dependency, nor even the desire for those affections. The components of the fortnight prior have lead me to return to the teachings of old, as modified by recent precedent of course. Sapere aude, and quite frankly, I am over her love. And no, I am not avoiding you. I am not really ignoring you or your friends. I just have not cared enough to make the effort to enlighten you––nor my own jeesh for that matter. I continue to love and care for you each in a manner that I have deemed appropriate. And though you all speak of having not seen me, I have yet to rationalize or realize any argument that may lend me the constitution to proceed otherwise. The same rationalities, by which my memories of us have been condemned, bar me from creating a new onslaught. I have not been bothered by all of our lives diverging so... And: I play around up here because I don't want to get too grounded.

What if my hands were to suddenly devour me in my sleep? Would I be prepared to fend off their pretenses? My hands "be" hungry. Saying I am empty, please fill me. I wonder if Jesus ever looked at His hands in wonder and awe of their power? But enough about me, more about you (繼續說).

Now I am no longer certain as to why I have written it. I don't seek to really convince or convict you of anything, for anyone so easily swayed by a thought of mine was already inclined to believe such. Though I am a selfish person acting out of my own hedonistic tendencies, I pray that yo do not find me so evil.

Say hello to the Muffin Man for me.

Sara

2007-11-10T14:13:00.001-08:00

Deuce

Idealistic! Bah! (...in jest...) Notwithstanding that you and I live in a land of comprised of shades of grey, what warrants your being so jaded that you will lump us all, especially me, into the stark contrast of so few extremes? If I find someone or put forth an effort then one of us is either settling for someone who does not deserve our love (whom we also love less), or playing some game that relies on ignorance. If I refrain from dating as a principle or in order to exclusively hold out for more, then I am being idealistic (with ideals defined as utopian?). What banner do those persons (who we have antecedently established statistically exist) who could potentially harbour great affection for you and sweep you off of your feet fall under? Where do you condemn those that seek to know you as you are? How can you be happy if your one standard is that you are content making the other person happy? (Point seven of "Things You Learned This Week:" A life should not be lived for someone else.) Where is reciprocation, where is being equally yoked? What space have you allotted for the cognizance of those in your future family? Do you assume the ignorance or either the cognizant but wholly self-serving natures of your husband and child? "To settle down into a job that requires less than your mind's full capacity is to cut your motor and sentence yourself to another kind of motion-- decay.(rand)" It seems just as much a sin to yoke yourself unequally to your desired one (or to rope them unequally). I know that this is difficult at best. One may be more attached than another at one time or another, but eventually you growth together. (How much time? Too what extent, does that justify yoking yourself to a person that you care less for at the time?) Despite the writing of what is above, you seem to already know all of this. Or, have I misread whether or not I can be your heart.

"I love you. I love you." I love you too. The difference is in your, praxis, your reciprocation, either your rejection or acceptance. It may be difficult to translate into words, so define it with your actions. Should it be so difficult to speak of these occurrences, to work them out and then pick up the pieces. There lies the difference between friend and lover. I should hope that you have discovered some bounds that transcend your friendships when you partake in those physical amenities. Otherwise, there exist no point for the physical expression outside of physical pleasures. Where is the room for those otherwise unattainable emotional connections? Where is the place for that connection that lies between mind and body, body and soul. I yearn that these connections find place in you, or perhaps that someday you become cognizant of that meaning that transcends that body and routine rigors of life. Though it is not my place nor my choice alone to show you, though I do yearn to help you to make that path. That others feel for you the unreciprocated love that you yourself harbour is almost humorous. That you have rejected, or found no interest in the love that others feel for you, as you yourself have been rejected is hilarity. That I feel somewhat for you each of the above is pure hilarity. That some persons have felt these things for me is also hilarity. (But to err is human, neh?) These are cruel cycles. You cannot validly rational away love, but you can easily refuse to allow it to define you.

As for real friendships. All of my "real" friendships occur naturally. These are the persons that I love most, that regardless of the most dire or inconvenient of circumstances, these ancient bonds will survive. Is this simply circumstance of situation, compatibility, something more? Why feign interest, why yoke yourself unequally? Would you want someone to lead you in the same manner? I trim the fat of those borderline relationships. I neither want, nor need those uncertain amenities. I have enough good relationships that I continue to neglect as is. Fortunately, those relationships are quality enough to survive the fray/ the void.

Have you ever felt that you have entered (crossed the threshold) into a marriage amongst your friends, merely without the physical? I know you all too well. Are we really that close now? Sometimes there is so much love that I am overwhelmed. Other times I become so used to it that I learn to cherish and embrace being alone. There is nothing like being in a crowd (in a foreign country, unable to speak the language, or sitting solitary on the shore in the Persian Gulf, watching the expanse of the sea break on the rocks at your feet) to remind you that you are alone in the world. As I sit here looking at this book I realize that I am not the first nor will I be the last (God willing). All of these millennium, these centuries, these years... All of these humans, these civilizations, bloodlines, families culminate here in me, and in you. All of this history, all of the past, travels forth through my veins. They all lead to one line made up of an infinite number of points. These lines lead, also, from us. Many points, one line. How simple it is to just slip away. I remember this feeling--being alone. And therefore, I retreat deeper into the self, relying more greatly on God and, in some non-contradictory fashion, relying more intensely social autonomy than sacrificing the self for the friend, the social binds, for the weaknesses and trappings of dependency. My own constitution is so much improved. I no longer feel the need, the dependency, nor even the desire for those affections. The components of the fortnight prior have lead me to return to the teachings of old, as modified by recent precedent of course. Sapere aude, and quite frankly, I am over her love. And no, I am not avoiding you. I am not really ignoring you or your friends. I just have not cared enough to make the effort to enlighten you––nor my own jeesh for that matter. I continue to love and care for you each in a manner that I have deemed appropriate. And though you all speak of having not seen me, I have yet to rationalize or realize any argument that may lend me the constitution to proceed otherwise. The same rationalities, by which my memories of us have been condemned, bar me from creating a new onslaught. I have not been bothered by all of our lives diverging so... And: I play around up here because I don't want to get too grounded. Too tired. I am so tired of all of this earth.eir pretenses? My hands "be" hungry. Saying I am empty, please fill me. But enough about me, more about you. Excudere.

Quai Mundi Plaga?

2007-11-10T14:08:00.000-08:00

I feel better now, though it took more time than I previously would have realized.

Dearest,
I am uncertain of how to adequately culminate the glories and pleasures of six (now closer to seven) months of belonging to you with these meager words. I do not believe that I can. Regardless, these things, these emotions, these ancient bonds and fits of nostalgia you will recognize.

This first paragraph was written before we were officially dating. I was so uncertain then of the "these" that I live and would die by now.

As for you and myself, I can't remember what I wrote about last time, but I think of her too much and its showing here. In regards to her and I, I have the distinct feeling that someone died this weekend that I don't really yet know about. Nevertheless, something still lingers between the two of us, only we have taken an altogether different form. We left that plateau and now we are dissolving into another moment. On top of that the old flame is beginning to reignite as it gathers strength and confidence from the same sources that it used to confide in. I can't understand her and part of me
just wants to do away with it and neglect this internally hard-wired desire forever.

Aptly befitting for the present moment neh?

Three Quid Short

2007-11-10T14:01:00.000-08:00

The event horizon on a black hole has a point at which light is caught/trapped in this eternal cycle. All images that may be viewed by the human eyes are caught there eternally. One morning, I won't wake up to a better day. It will be a day when someone dearest to me has been lost or when I forsake all earthly material--including the matter of my body. That day the sun will stand still once again, at dusk or dawn, and I will trudge under the unsaitable stare of that burning day. That day when the earth stands still shall be my last and most holy day. Despite this slow, but sure, realization, It is not happiness, but suffering that I consider unnatural. If the ideal is not worth your life then it is not worth your death. Dying can be easier than living many times over. Sometimes, it’s used as a cop out. God is leading me somewhere--yes, no mistake. But it’s not necessarily to a country, or specific people; He is leading closer to Him. Non-object law is one of the greatest threats to humanity. Non-objective is the subjective. All subjectives are non-absolutes. Reality is absolute, existence is absolute, your self awarenss and mind are absolutes, the bread on your table (or lack thereof) is absolute. God is absolute, as am I. Les religiones passent, Dieu demeure. If ever in these thoughts you perceive a contradiction, best check your premises. One of them is wrong/misguided. Is our message to those who listen in order to respond or those who listen in order to understand? Ask yourself, in which category do you regularly reside?

莊周夢蝶

2007-11-10T13:49:00.001-08:00

昔者庄周梦为胡蝶，栩栩然胡蝶也。自喻适志与！不知周也。俄然觉，则蘧蘧然周也。不知周之梦为胡蝶与？胡蝶之梦为周与？周与胡蝶则必有分矣。此之谓物化。”《齊物論》

Infants

2007-11-10T13:41:00.000-08:00

While waiting in the airport, I saw a man traveling with his infant. It is difficult for me to imagine harboring something/someone so fragile, so dependent, as a child and then traveling and exposing them to such a dangerous earth. It is a feeling akin to having your heart exposed.

Bur Dubai

2007-11-10T13:19:00.000-08:00

These are hurtful, fruit-filled mornings. There is too much being spoken and not enough matter of substance and meaning being said. The things that require being out, I'm just to afraid to say. I fear their potential effects. I could be devil's advocate, but this is definitely one of those moments when I should keep my mouth shut. Take heed, you hould proceed in the same manner. And for this I apologize, but I do keep you all in adoration. Eventually, it feels like you are watching your life through a flickering screen. You fail to feel anything and simply stare with a blank emptiness just wasting time away until everything is over. This is your life, one second at a time. Then you realize that you are not referring to the meeting any longer. I hate these types of get togthers.

電視

2007-11-09T14:57:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I would rather be a cell/ cell-like. Never alone, always surrounded with a common sense of belonging and specified purpose. Adrift in a simplicity free of confusion and the conflicts of the (entirely human) choatic organizations of man.

50,000 plus of your body's cells died and were replaced while you read this sentence, and I bet it didn't hurt one bit. How many people just died and were replaced? Is it even possible for us to feel anything for them?

Dreams and Nightmares

2007-11-09T13:28:00.000-08:00

She said that that drawing (*of mine) was from her nightmares. That was not the first time that I have been told such nonsense. I've had a few other people latch on and give me very detailed and long explanations of their nightmares/dreams after seeing some of my doodles/pictures (I don't really draw seriously yet). If this holds true then their/her nightmares are my normalities. The pictures aren't even all that great/good. And they all look the same.

It’s not so abnormal for me to have never had a nightmare so far as the duration of my lifetime (at least during my sleep). It’s not so strange for me to have reoccurring dreams either. And I am not alone in having had dreams that pick up exactly where they left off, sometimes years prior.

Test Tube Babies

2007-11-08T15:23:00.000-08:00

want to be a test tube baby. Maybe I am, but my parents never let me in on the secret. I would never know. Nothing would be different, just human. I wouldn't lord it over people. "How were you born? Oh, a womb...how quaint. Me? Oh, test tube baby." Where does life begin within the womb? Is it when the body finally begins to learn from its environment and, to a degree, sustain itself? But not even a fully born child sustains itself and one could argue that even a being born has yet to become aware. When does the child, even if it has a soul, become a living human as compared to living tissue? When a child is born their bodies not only have to work the fluid out of the lungs, but they have to learn to breathe properly. Properly being an expansion when you breathe in and a contraction when they breathe out. A new born child does just the opposite. Why? Because for the last nine months (if you are lucky) the child has been floating upside down in a fluidic environment--the womb. In the womb the baby essentially living and gaining sustenance through a tube/umbilical cord/whatever, contracting to bring in the nutrients, and expanding to release the pressure and to begin the process anew. Fluidic space...

倪安瑞的詩歌

2007-11-08T15:00:00.000-08:00

悲天憫人
我們已經看見過戰爭很多次了
現在決戰即將來臨了
我們已經看我必須得到意中平靜不禮我的生活
不成功便成二
世界競爭越來越激列
我們美國人沒有準備好
世界邊的更平了
往伎往路
我要做一個不要不要國家的人
我就是國
我對這個世界厭倦了
我為甚麼想死
我們死得太快了
再死的面前甚糜我們都不是
我看來看去可是她找不到我
我們在也找不到靈魂咳感之精神和肉弟的聯繫
有時候我嫉妒這些年輕的人性
不要房起保住你們的人性
所有的歷史想人的工具前進
死亡對我們笑
我們能做得就是對她也笑
我的手俄了他們說我甚糜都沒有情給我吧
在我的夢裡如果我的手突然把我吃了怎糜搬呢
我準備好抵御他們的假面具了嗎
國家是絕對的君望還是一個小孩他使一雉鳥在他手
禮雉熄只是因為他要證明其他的牲羚比他自己虛弱
我邊的更厭倦成為一個只有人累外殼的一個迷獲
現在我想夠了
趕快去鏹趕快去掠奪吧
這個我就知到了

Note to T.

2007-07-31T04:09:00.000-07:00

我愛妳 That was our collab graffiti. Though so much is caught under the guise of that word love. Love sans dissimulation is difficult at best; and I apologize for those who sought/seek your affinities under less veritable guises. 對妳寫信我的新意中人
Everything that I write is a heuristic; and yes, I do my math in pen. I am writing you as I desired when I kissed your cheek goodnight. Thanks for the open ears, open arms, and all your help. I really did enjoy your fiesta. The people were quite intrepid, very warm culture. My strongest memories of you are in a dress with warm shoulders and a flower pattern. When you were bumping me I actually wanted to dance with you. I assure you in advance that, unless I am break dancing, I'll be dancing goofily. I just wanted to spare the good folks around me in the same manner that alcohol would have spared me my inhibitions. You'll probably see me at my most shameful soon enough when I do a goofy jig to some recent realization.
Here I am hoping that you didn't regret last night, and that you will even remember what prompted my writing these words. I trust you because of my comfort speaking with you. What your brain formulates and the way that you convey are pleasant to me. You never have to apologize to me. You need never doubt yourself with me, nor doubt my conveyance. Everything is out in the open, and I will let you know exactly as I feel. I want to get to know you as I should have begun two years prior. I want to see you as you are. I want to know you in every mood. I want to protect you, rather than have you feel as if you have to protect me from yourself. I want everything out in the open, to bypass the small talk and meaningless babel. With those things said, I trust that when you apologize that it will be under your own volition rather than purely insecurity or maternal endearments. Remember, I don't ask anyone to do anything that I am not willing to lead or reciprocate. I understand that your personal perception is subjective and susceptible to to the conscious currents, but please don't discredit my own perceptions of your beauty, your talent, your modesty, your amenities. You have lifted me from the mire with a touch and series of abstract heuristics that do not translate easily into words. Such sadness that you are leaving that we are each leaving one another so soon. I'll be in Louisiana after Russia. I want to spend those days with you, such as you may allow me. (George has this story that would get the point across in less creepy way. Perhaps you'll hear it someday.)
Genuine query? Why should you be alone? Ahh you introverts... Us introverts... I have a constant, and consistently annoying, banter of arguments in the back allies of my brain. The players are complex and take so much data (some that seems exceedingly random) into consideration. "I am alone with my thoughts; and they drive me insane.(Scott)" I don't really know what went wrong (with those ancient bonds) either, though I have rationalized a few answers. Independence
(I am just warning you) Boys are evil, because I am already campaigning to invade (but not conquer mind you) your "little" world. The inhabitant(s) should willingly accept my presence. I don't need to search or have quarter in every home; I just seek to taste and protect your distinctiveness. This all from the boy who is so insane that he has never had a nightmare. If one can validly call such consistent serenity insane. I almost always recall some knowledge of my dreams. It is not uncommon for a dream to pick up where it left off, months, or years prior. It is not happiness, but suffering that I consider unnatural. Though despair is born out of hope. Though pain differentiates pleasure. Though it is difficult for people to live without hope, and thus, must live with despair. I am not bound to despair; nor do I yoke my pleasures so equally with pain. I do my best, against all sinew and programming, to emote under my own volition. Of course, despite my best efforts, a single individual has proven to me that I am still susceptible, as any other human. I assume that we both have histories in our families. Perhaps we are not as we previously perceived, unbound by any laws of human nature. Perhaps we are somewhat pre-defined by our genetics? Who are we then, really? Why are we set apart?
On that note, When are we sketching together? What better faces to draw than yours and my own? I want a picture of you. That way, when I lose my memory and try to pick up the pieces I will have some recollection of you. I probably shouldn' t be typing at two in the morning when i have a final in scant hours. I hope this still seems coherent tomorrow. Damn the engines and take no prisoners. I drag with me the shamefully light burdens of Lamentation, and wield it against my enemies.